This book has been getting a lot of buzz and several of my friends who’ve read it can’t seem to stop talking about it, so I decided to check it out for myself to see what all the fuss is about. As has been the case with most of the memoirs I’ve been reading lately, I chose to listen to the audiobook version narrated by the author, Belle Burden. While I did find this to be an absorbing read, I didn’t feel it was particularly mind-blowing to the point of garnering all the hype that it has. I mean, yes, it was horrible the way Burden’s marriage ended and I definitely agree that her ex-husband James is a piece of you-know-what, but overall, I was a bit underwhelmed with the read.
My first thought when finishing this was to wonder whether it was really necessary for this to be a book (apparently, its origin was an op-ed piece that Burden wrote for the New York Times). Sure, I applaud Burden for speaking out and for shining a light on the issue of male privilege and the double standards that exist when it comes to infidelity, especially within the context of marriage, but at the end of the day, I’m not sure that I needed 240 pages (or 7 hours for the audiobook version) to reach this conclusion. At times, the book felt a bit repetitive and there were some small details that we probably didn’t need to know, like the breed of her friend’s dogs for example. And I’m sorry, but I totally did not understand the significance of the ospreys, which were mentioned way too often for it to not mean something.
From what I can see based on reviews I’ve read though, it hasn’t just been hype – this book has also been mired in quite a bit of controversy, mostly due to Burden’s family background, as both herself and her ex-husband come from a world of extreme wealth and privilege. Of course, this doesn’t negate what Burden’s ex-husband did to her and she is right to feel aggrieved and all, but by the same token, I can see why the message (and this book as a whole) might not land too well with ordinary folks who don’t have the means to deal with everything that she does. While it’s true that Burden does acknowledge her privilege (as other reviewers have rightly pointed out), there were still some blind spots throughout the book that, while probably not intentional, had the effect of making it seem like Burden either lacked self-awareness (best case) or was inadvertently flaunting her privilege (worst case). In fact, Burden herself mentions several times throughout the book her “myopia” when it came to her privilege – for example, this section, where Burden is reacting to the letter that James’s lawyer sent informing her that he intends on enforcing the terms of their prenup (which meant she would likely have to sell one or both of the properties that she had bought): “I said, ‘Other women face much more dire consequences. I should not complain.’ I had tried to have perspective, to see how privileged I still was, no matter what happened in the divorce. But my fear had made me myopic again, only able to see what I would lose.”
The above is just one example (out of plenty) that mentions the myopic lens through which Burden views her privilege. Another example that stood out to me was the excessive amount of time that Burden spends talking about the private tennis club that she and James belonged to on Martha’s Vineyard (which is where their vacation property, or “summer home” as they like to call it, is located). She talks about her experience with the club before and after her divorce – especially afterwards, when people gossiped about her and treated her differently and some of them ostracized her and how it made her sad, angry, depressed, etc. When I read that, I was thinking to myself, really?? A bunch of privileged folks at a rich people’s club turn down their noses at her and she talks about wanting to die of embarrassment? I would think that should be the least of her concerns in the grand scheme of things, but of course, this could just be my own dissonance due to lack of familiarity with that world.
Overall, while I feel bad for Burden in terms of the way her marriage ended and I’m glad that she finally found her own power and voice, there was too much of a “rich people behaving badly” undercurrent to the book that, at the end of the day, I honestly could not bring myself to care about. With that said, I am obviously an outlier given the many 4 and 5 star reviews for this book so perhaps check those out as well to get a more well-rounded opinion before deciding whether to pick this one up.
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