My Rating: 4.5 stars
Last month, when I found out that author Jesmyn Ward started a book club on Literati, I immediately went to go check it out and of course, ultimately, I couldn't resist joining. For the club's inaugural read, Ward chose Kiese Laymon's memoir Heavy, which he wrote in the second person perspective directly addressing his mother. I've read quite a few memoirs over the years and this one, by far, has been the most powerful and thought-provoking. In eloquent, beautifully-rendered, poetic language, Laymon writes honestly and candidly about his experiences – from his difficult coming-of-age growing up as a hard-headed, heavyset black boy in Jackson, Mississippi, to his complicated relationship with his brilliant but abusive mother, to his own struggles with obesity, eating disorders, gambling addiction, and a lifetime spent running away from truths he didn't want to face. Deeply interwoven throughout Laymon's narrative is also a searing exploration of systemic racism in America as well as the complex (and oftentimes misunderstood) realities of living as a person of color in a society that largely prefers to move forward without having to reckon with its past.
Laymon tells his story with a raw honesty and candor that I absolutely found admirable. It's not easy to share traumatic memories about one's life, especially memories that previously (and continues to) evoked so much pain, anger, confusion, shame, sadness, etc. – yet Laymon does not hold back, and instead, bares his soul as well as his heart. He doesn't hide his own flaws, nor does he try to deflect or assign blame for his trauma onto others – in addition to taking responsibility for his own shortcomings and where his actions may have hurt others, his reluctance to criticize his mom despite the pain she caused him, choosing to love rather than to confront, then finally communicating his feelings to her via this book, to me, it speaks volumes. I found his journey so heartbreaking, yet he was willing to share such a vulnerable part of himself with us – I admire and appreciate his courage!
Not surprisingly, this was a difficult book to read, not just because of the "heavy" subject matter, but also because of the visceral emotions that reading about Laymon's experiences evoked. On a personal level, I was able to relate to so many of Laymon's struggles, whether it was within himself, his family, or society as a whole, despite the fact that we both come from different cultures and backgrounds (he is a Black man who grew up in Mississippi while I'm a Chinese woman who grew up in California) due to having experienced some of the same issues that he did. I recognize the pain from having been a victim of abuse and the impact it can have on your sense of self and well-being. I understand confusion of having a parent-child relationship where you love each other dearly, yet somehow can't step yourselves from hurting each other over and over again (as well as the cycle of shame and guilt that goes along with it). I know what it feels like to grow up in an environment where, no matter how hard you try or how much you are able to achieve, you'll forever be considered "less than," merely because of your skin tone or facial features. Laymon talks about the ills of systemic racism and the ease with which it allows some people to weaponize "blackness" against him, and against his fellow black brothers and sisters, akin to ways that I've seen the "model minority" label weaponized against many in the Asian community.
Given the weight of the topics and the tremendous ground that Laymon covers, it is nearly impossible to reconcile the many stirring insights and revelations that he sets forth in these memories that he shares so candidly with us. This is a highly recommended memoir, one that is both heartfelt and heart-rending, but a must-read nevertheless.
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