I had heard about this book when it first came out in 2018 and over the past couple years, I kept hearing the book recommended over and over again, both by strangers as well as by bookish friends. I have social anxiety so I've never been one for hosting and I rarely ever go to parties, which is why, when I first heard that this book was about "gatherings," I put off reading it. But then as I heard people talking about the book, I realized it could be applicable to gatherings of all kinds, including work gatherings both formal and informal (such as meetings and conferences), plus I was curious, so I decided to finally pick this book up. I'm glad I did because I ended up really enjoying this one, to the point that I couldn't put it down (like a page-turner, which is rare for a non-fiction "self-help" book) and ultimately finished it in one sitting. I also ended up taking a lot of notes, which surprised me given the topic.
The book's author, Priya Parker, is a facilitator and strategic advisor trained in the field of conflict resolution. Because of this background, the advice she gives focuses more on the human aspects of gatherings (the hosts and guests) rather than the logistics (which she does cover, but to a lesser extent). In one of the chapters, where she talks about how most event planning guides lean more toward the logistics aspects such as what type of food to prepare and when to start, she writes: "This encapsulates the prevailing approach to gathering that I hope to change: fussing over the crudités and hoping for the best when it comes to the human beings. We deserve better." Indeed, we do!!
I also really liked the way Parker broke down the information, going in order from deciding the purpose of the gathering and figuring out the guest list to the responsibilities of the host through to the closing. The examples that Parker gave ran the gamut from simple (a family dinner, a weekly morning meeting at work) to extreme (large city-wide dinners, professional conferences involving hundreds of world leaders), which I found to be an interesting way to show how her techniques could be applied to any type of gathering — though at the same time, Parker does make clear that not all techniques will be applicable to every gathering, which I appreciated.
One of the things I was surprised to learn was how there could be so many different aspects to a gathering, which I had never thought about before — for example, with the opening and closing of a gathering, there could be multiple steps involved beyond just saying "welcome" and "thank you." Parker explains the importance of focusing on a good opening and closing by pointing to studies about attention span and memory which "show that audiences disproportionately remember the first 5 percent, the last 5 percent, and a climactic moment of a talk. Gatherings…work in much the same way. And yet, we often pay the least attention to how we open and close them, treating these elements as afterthoughts." I've actually heard this information before in other iterations but never correlated it to openings and closings of gatherings, so it was an eye-opener for me.
One of the sections that resonated most with me is when Parker talks about vulnerability, authenticity, and honesty during gatherings and how "the stranger spirit" is an important contributing factor to achieving this because "it is often easier to confess parts of our lives with strangers, who have no stake in our lives, than with intimates who do." This is absolutely true for me, which is one reason why, social anxiety not withstanding, I tend do better at gatherings with casual acquaintances whom I probably will never see again versus gatherings of family, friends, and co-workers whom I have to face every day. I wasn't expecting to encounter such resonant insight in a book about gathering!
Overall, I found this book quite fascinating. The title is actually perfect, as Parker truly does talk about gathering as an "art" form. I also appreciated how Parker arranged the information in such a practical way that was both easy to understand and follow. I highly recommend this book, as I feel there is valuable insight to be gleaned here, whether you usually play the role of host or guest (or, like me, neither). This is not a typical event planning guide though, so if that's what you're interested in, definitely look elsewhere; but if you're interested in a thoughtful, well-written book about how to make gatherings more meaningful from a "people" perspective, then I absolutely suggest picking this one up.
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